On Depression and Taking Action to
Achieve a New Life
One
of the things I have come to hold in contempt is what might be called the
"Confessional Subculture", those people who feel it necessary to
share every lurid detail of their private lives with strangers. I sometimes
think of it as "The Daytime TV Syndrome". ("Yes, Oprah, I'm into
blow-up dolls. You don't know what a BURDEN has just been lifted off me by finally
saying this in public." Cue teary-eyed audience members. Oprah: "I'm
really not surprised to hear it.") So it is with some misgivings that I
tell you what I'm going to tell you. I have suffered from chronic depression since I was in my late teens,
depression that has sometimes hit suicidal intensity. In addition to that, I
also developed a really nasty case of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, and that
has waxed and waned throughout my life. Why am I telling you this? Because I
have the sneaking suspicion that more than a few of you are in the same situation
and I'd like to share some ideas about how we can climb out of this awful hole
we find ourselves in, and maybe help some other people out. For those of who
you are not down in the hole, I wanted to try to explain what it's like, and give
you some ideas about how best to deal with those of us who live in the gray
land of depression and OCD.
And
I have an ulterior motive for doing this as well: I'm hoping that if I tell all
this to you, that I can re-learn and apply it to myself.
Right
off the bat, I must say this: I AM NOT LOOKING FOR PITY OR SYMPATHY. I know you
care about me, as I care about you, but this is not me saying, "Oh poor
me! Don't you feel BAD for me?" I don't want any of that, OK? All I hope is
that you at least hear me out.
First
of all, depression needs to be defined. It is a type of conscious state, one
exacerbated by myriad subconscious factors. Depression is a pervasive pessimism
that colors a human's perception, a sense of utter and complete hopelessness,
often accompanied by intense self-loathing. It is not—it is not—necessarily connected to any particular external event. The
depressed person quite often comes to believe that nothing, quite literally
nothing, is really worth much effort, or any effort at all. A depressed person
often comes to believe that nothing will turn out well, that everything in
one's life is headed for disaster or at the very least failure. Depression is
the sense that everything is futile, and, most tragically, that one doesn't deserve anything from life. It is these attitudes
that make depression so difficult to claw one's way out of.
Causes of Depression
The
origins of depression appear to be complex. There may be a genetic
predisposition to it. Since all human behaviors are the result of genetic
factors interacting with cultural factors and life events in an ever-changing
mosaic, a genetic predisposition to depression can darken one's perception of the
world in general, and depression can lead to vicious cycles wherein no positive
action to counter it is taken because the depressed person has already
discounted the efficacy of the action. If a person believes nothing can be done, nothing will be done, thereby perpetuating the
very factors that are making one depressed. Depression can also spring from repeated
disappointments, seeing one's hopes dashed again and again. (Here also a
vicious cycle can be established: if I think my hopes will not be realized, I
may not take the action required to succeed, thereby increasing the likelihood
of failure.) An unhappy family life, especially caused by parents who instill
in their children the belief that the world is terrible, can trigger depressive
tendencies. Further, depression can be the result of trauma, especially trauma
suffered in childhood. Sexual, physical, and/or mental abuse can so assault the
well-being of the Self as to convince one that the world is an irredeemably
threatening and terrifying place. The horrific memories of this abuse can cling
to a person every day, destroying all hopes that life can be something other
than the sum of our suffering. And sometimes physical conditions such as chronic
or recurring pain, or repeated episodes of serious illness, can plunge an individual
into despair. In short, depression seems to spring from many causes. But its
effects on those who have it are the same: a
life that is less than it could be.
Going
deeper into the issue, our present mental state is the result of a long series
of events, many of which we have forgotten about, but the impact of which is
still being felt at some level. The Self, or ego if you prefer that term,
reacts to the world starting in infancy. Then the Self or ego reacts to its own
reactions. A chain of reactions to reactions to reactions is established.
Certain ways of reacting to the world are deeply impressed on the neuronal
configuration of the brain, making it more likely that whenever particular
circumstances and/or neurotransmitter balances are present, one will react in a
roughly similar way.
And
we need to remember something very important: the human brain did not evolve to
give us complete understanding of ourselves and others, nor did it evolve to
make us happy. The human brain evolved to
help us survive. Period. Why? So that we could reproduce our genome and
hence fulfill the "goal" of life: make more of itself. The very
complexity that makes consciousness possible means that more can go wrong with
our brains than those of any other animal. Our brains are a baffling
combination of very ancient structures, structures found only in mammals,
structures found only in higher-level primates, and structures (such as a highly
advanced prefrontal cortex) that are unique to humans. Our brains are
remarkable objects, but they are vulnerable in many ways, and they are
incredibly difficult to understand. Depression
is one of the ways things can go wrong with them. Its persistence in the
human race seems to indicate that it doesn't cut down on reproductive fitness
enough to be weeded out of our genome. But it has inflicted immeasurable
suffering and hardship on countless people through the ages.
Paradoxes and Contradictions of
Depression
The
depressed person is often stuck in a series of brutal paradoxes and internal
contradictions that can make depression extremely difficult to overcome. First
of all, chronic loneliness and a sense of having been abandoned by others are
frequent manifestations of depression. Yet, depressed people can be very
demoralizing and difficult to be around. They can even actively push others
away, when it is the very company of others they so desperately need. As I have
already noted, depressed people are usually convinced that nothing can help
them, so they often get no help, thus establishing a tragic self-fulfilling
prophecy. They urgently need to know they are loved, but they very often
believe that they are so unworthy of being loved that no one could love them. Thus they tend to
discount or disregard even the most sincerely offered expressions of love and
support by others. Perhaps most ominously, they
very often come to hate themselves for hating themselves. They look at
their external circumstances, consider the fact that many others are much worse
off than they, and lash themselves mercilessly for daring to feel bad when they
have no "objective right" to feel bad. They may call themselves
spoiled, immature, ungrateful, childish, and any other number of self-denigrating
terms. This can set up a terrible spiral wherein the depressed person's hatred
of themselves for hating themselves becomes self-reinforcing. The result of
this spiral can be a tragic one.
In
general, therefore, the pessimism and hopelessness engendered by depression can
come to be a sort of emotional paralysis. A depressed person's reasoning often
goes like this: There is nothing I can do. There is no hope that anything will
turn out well. All effort is an act of futility. I cannot change myself in any
way. It would simply be best if I weren't here at all. It is these lies—and
they are lies—that prevent the
depressed person from acting to alleviate his or her suffering.
Confronting the Irrational Beliefs of
Depression
Although
depression can have perfectly explicable origins, it tends to create a false
picture of reality (at least as humans perceive it) in those who suffer from
it. Let's tackle these distorted perceptions one by one.
1.
The world is a place of incessant
suffering and grief. This is a form of psychological projection in which
many depressed people indulge. Because they
are wretched, they see only that which is worst in the world. But in all
reality, this picture is very badly skewed. Do you know what the day-to-day
world actually is? Ordinary. Mundane in the extreme. Regular. Routine. The vast
majority of the human race goes through the day doing ordinary things in an
ordinary way, occupying a sort of psychological middle ground between joy and
grief. It's really not as bad as many people think. There is genuine cause for
optimism, and I'm not just saying this to try to "cheer anybody up". I
can back these statements up statistically. War has become less frequent and
destructive. Education is more widespread than ever. Mass starvation has
greatly decreased in frequency. Medical science has made immense strides. The
march of political freedom has touched many millions of lives. There are many
happy families. Personal rights have greatly expanded, as have personal
opportunities. What needs to be abandoned is the longing for some idealized
past in which everything was great. No such time existed. In many ways, the
best time to be alive is right now, not the so-called "Good Old
Days". This is not to say we don't face towering challenges and complex
problems. Obviously we do. But there is no rational basis for believing the
world is, to borrow a phrase, "a meaningless nightmare of suffering".
In all truth, that simply isn't the case, and to believe so is to embrace an
outright falsehood.
2. Everyone
is happier than I am, everyone is having a better time than I am. In a way
this is the inverse of the above distorted belief. A depressed person can
actually believe both, even though they are contradictory. No, everyone is not
having a better time. No, everyone is not happier than you. Those statements
are stark, simple truths. For example, depressed single adults may have long
periods where they are without a sexual partner. They may simply assume that
everyone is having regular sex except them. The absurdity of such a view should
be apparent. Depressed people often see the lives of others in such a distorted
manner. This is a particularly pernicious form of self-pity, and it's a way of
stripping other people of their humanity. We dehumanize others when we see them
as caricatures or cartoon figures. To imagine that everyone else, every one of them
a complicated person, is enjoying the world is to dehumanize them in a very
real way. They
don't have problems. Only I have
problems. I am unique in my isolation or sorrow. This is an idea that depressed
people must abandon.
3. The
world is so big there is nothing I can do
to change it for the better. In fact, the very idea that one can make a
contribution is often met with scorn and derision by depressed people. Even
though the world is not as bad as one imagines it, there is, admittedly, a
great deal of suffering and injustice in it. If we were to know all of the bad
things that are happening right now,
we would be overwhelmed. What can one person do? It is this sense of helplessness
that prevents the depressed person from trying to do anything. We sometimes
forget that change is an emergent feature of reality, arising out of the
ferment and tumult of individuals acting together, tackling problems in groups,
pooling their knowledge and resources, and magnifying their efforts by
combining them with the efforts of others. One person, acting alone, can do
very little. Millions, acting in concert, can change the world.
Moreover,
depressed people often overlook a simple fact: changing the world for the better is often done one life at a time.
A small act of kindness can reverberate in someone's life for years. Being
there when someone needs you is sometimes the greatest contribution one can
make. Doing one's job well can be more meaningful than some abstract notion of
turning the bad old world around 180 degrees all at once. Every act of forgiveness, genuine atonement,
simple courtesy, simple kindness, simple decency makes the world better in a
small but very real way. Depressed people often forget that. They shouldn't.
4.
Anyone who is happy is a fool. Depressed
people understand the world better than others. Really? All happy people
are fools? Preposterous and utterly wrong, not to say insulting and dehumanizing
of others. Happy people aren't living carefree lives devoid of hardship. They
deal with these hardships in a positive way, and look at life in its fullness,
not in the most narrowly pessimistic manner. They're not fools; they're people
to be celebrated (as long as their happiness doesn't derive from making others
miserable). And depressed people understand reality better? I would argue
precisely the opposite is the case. A naive, "This is the best of all
possible worlds" outlook is unrealistic. But a "This is the worst of
all possible worlds" outlook is equally so.
5. Being
mad is better than being sad. I am a rageaholic. I admit it. I am angry, I
mean really angry so much of the time. Know what I figured out? That a lot of
anger is simply sublimated grief and sorrow. Being angry gives us the illusion
that we are in control, that we are not passive victims, they we are taking
action. None of that is true. Anger just feels better than grief. Anger drives
people away. It stresses the body terribly. It does actual damage to one's
health. And it basically accomplishes nothing, especially if it is mere
solitary venting. It just puts off confronting what's really wrong: personal
hopelessness and despair.
6.
I should never have existed; no one would
miss me if I were gone. These are perhaps the most dangerous irrational
beliefs of depressed people. Sometimes you just feel so damned lousy, just so
down, that you just wish you had never existed at all. It just wasn't worth it
is how you feel at those times. Believe me, I know. That's bad enough. But the
idea that no one would miss you is perhaps the worst lie depressed people
believe out of all of them. It is the precursor to the most tragic toll
depression takes on people: suicide. Over 1,000,000 people kill themselves on
this planet every single year. Most of them do so because all hope is gone,
and they are convinced no one would be sad to see them go. (I should add that
in my belief system the only morally defensible justifications for suicide are to
stop severe and untreatable physical suffering and to spare one's family the
agonies of witnessing one's terrible and protracted dying.) Killing one's self
is one of the most brutal acts against others possible. It will emotionally
shatter one's spouse or significant other. It will crush the happiness of
children and siblings. It will plunge friends into grief and anger. A 17 year-old
kid once killed himself right in the school in which I was teaching. At his
wake, it was terrible to see his grieving parents. But what struck me the most
was the reaction of his friends. Not only were they crying over him. They were
so angry at him for hurting them so
badly. How could he do this to me was a common refrain. The suicidal person is
not in his or her right mind. I understand that. But you're not just killing
yourself when you end your own life abruptly. You're killing part of everyone
who ever loved you. And you have no right
to do that to them.
Taking Charge
It
takes courage to change one's life for the better. It takes real courage to
wage war on depression, to refute its ugly lies, to refuse to have one's life
darkened by it any longer. I have some ideas that have helped me. If you have depression,
they may help you. See what you think.
1. Physical
exercise is key. Exercise does so many good things for the body that I fail
to see how any person able to do it does not. Exercise can release endorphins
that bring about a sense of well-being. Exercise contributes to general health,
self-esteem, resistance to stress, resistance to disease, and so much more. It
has literally saved my life several times. It does wonders for fighting
depression. I cannot recommend it highly enough.
2.
Change the balance of neurotransmitters
in the brain. In one perspective depression and other such illnesses are the
result of disordered brain chemistry. You should look into antidepressants, but
I must caution you: they can have very uneven results. I took Prozac for 15
years to combat OCD. It did an excellent job of halting it, but the efficacy of
such meds lessens after a time. And getting off of some antidepressants can be
harrowing, to say the least. So look into it, but do your homework first. There
are alternatives by the way, which I have personally tested:
A.
GET RID OF ALCOHOL. This is really
hard for a lot of people to do. But alcohol is a depressant. It does grievous
harm in so many ways. If you really want to climb out of the hole, stop
drinking. I recognize some alcohol ingestion can have benefits to the heart,
but in general, the less you drink, the better. Seriously, I'd rather have you
smoke or eat marijuana than drink. Alcohol is that bad for depressed people. If
you've ever sat drunk and alone at 3 a.m., you know exactly what I mean.
B.
GET RID OF REFINED SUGAR. I am a
person of Scots and Irish descent. I was raised with such treats as cookies,
candy, pastry, cake, pies, you name it. But all of that has to go. All you get
from sugar eating is problem after problem. I've found that not eating sugar
(or at least very much of it) helps me avoid the insulin-crash of the Sugar
Blues.
C.
GET RID OF JUNK FOOD AS MUCH AS YOU CAN.
Heavy, fatty foods can play havoc with your head and your body chemistry.
Breaking down fat makes your body work harder, which makes you tired, which
makes you vulnerable. Eat like a sensible adult; it will help tremendously.
D.
CONSIDER ALTERNATIVES TO ANTI-DEPRESSANTS. For me, 500 mg of
Turmeric in combination with 1400 mg of fish oil has had very positive effects.
Others have found St. John's Wort or rosemary to be beneficial. As always, do
your homework; see what helps others.
E. GET
RID OF ANTIHISTAMINES. This one might surprise you, but I am in earnest
here. I was driven to the depths of absolute despair at one point by taking
antihistamines every day. If at all possible. stop taking them. Zyrtec in
particular is horrible for me, although your reaction may differ. A lot of depressed
people react badly to antihistamines. If you can do without them, I urge you to
do so.
3.
Make Contact With the Outside World
I
hate the human race in general (ha!) but I love my family and friends and I am
delighted to greet visitors to my beautiful Kauai. I help with my wife's
bracelet business. In doing so I have met people from over 45 foreign
countries, all 50 states, and almost every province in Canada. They have
overwhelmingly been nice, polite, very agreeable people. You know what? Most
people in this world are all right. It's the 5% who are idiots, sociopaths,
professional criminals, and just general jackasses that ruin it for everyone
else. And that's real.
Do
something to help. Volunteer for some cause. Get out and meet people. And for
God's sake, stop sitting around and brooding all by yourself. Stop sitting in
your little cave, hating yourself and despairing. What have you got to lose?
4. Get
help; give help
If
you feel you would benefit from professional counseling and can afford it, it
may help you. You should also establish a support group among those you know
who are similarly afflicted. Make an agreement that you will call them if you
are in trouble and they can call you. Don't just look for help. Be the help sometimes. I think of it as
being part of this web of people. They'll spin enough web that if you fall, it
will catch you. You do the same for them. You'll get through things together.
5.
Blow Up That Damn Garbage Truck
The
Garbage Truck is what one writer calls the sum total of all our bad memories,
our mistakes, the bad stuff we may have done, the pain and grief we may have
suffered, and the regrets we are plagued by. It follows us around, ready to
dump its filth all over us again and again. Well you know what? It's got to go!
What are the attitudes we have to take? Again, let reason and rationality be
our guides.
Aldous
Huxley once put it this way: chronic remorse is the most useless of emotions.
Have you behaved badly? Make what amends you can and resolve to do better. What
else can you do? As far as mistakes of judgment go, you can't go back in time
and alter them. You can only try to rectify their effects and learn from them.
I have been driving for over 40 years. Several times in that period I almost
managed to get myself killed because of stupid mistakes I made and was 100% at
fault for. You know what you do about that? Say, "Well that
happened", and resolve to never make those mistakes again. What else can
you do?
As
far as replaying those bad recordings you have in your head, the ones that
contain all the painful and bitter memories: STOP DOING THAT. You must
let the neuronal areas of the brain that contain them atrophy and disintegrate.
Every time you think of them you STRENGTHEN them. It's like sharpening the very
knife that's stabbing you. KILL THEM OFF!! You've experienced them enough! You have acknowledged their
existence already. They are weakening you. They can only drag you into despair.
NOTE TO OCD PEOPLE: Stop unwanted or intrusive thoughts IMMEDIATELY. Do
not let them get their claws into you. Do NOT analyze them, especially if they
are violent or horrific. That's like throwing gasoline on a fire. STOP THEM NOW! It sounds simplistic,
but I know whereof I speak. Trust me. Thought-stopping is an old tried and true
technique. Ask any monk who's ever meditated.
By
the way, as a teacher, I met kids who had been brutally sexually or
psychologically abused. If you were a tormented
kid once, remember this: You are bigger than the people who hurt you
now. They no longer have any power over you. Every day you live a good life is
a victory over them. They're losers and they do not deserve your forgiveness.
You are better than they are, and you will be forever. Period. If one of the
people who hurt you was a family member, you
no longer owe them your love. And don't you let anyone tell you otherwise.
Learn from the past; stop living in it.
6.
Get your sleep in order. This is very
important. Chronic fatigue makes you emotionally vulnerable. Try to regularize
the hours of your sleep as much as possible. Doing so is one of the best
anti-depression moves you can make. A sleep mask to shut out ambient light is
an excellent thing to wear.
7. Other
suggestions. Avoid those nasty drugs, like cocaine, heroin, barbiturates,
and the like. If you need opioids for pain relief, that's fine, but if you
don't, stay away. They're not for entertainment. Ease up on excessive caffeine
as well. Re-assess your job situation. I don't care how much money you're
making off of it. If it's killing you, it's not worth it. Re-assess your relationships.
If you have "friends" who simply like to drag you into the abyss, maybe
they're not really friends. Engage your intellect; learn something until the
day you die. There's a whole world to learn about out there; it's all at your
disposal. Oh, and remember to laugh. Indulge in it frequently. Remember to hug
those you love. Indulge in that, too. If you are into meditation or
self-hypnosis, do that. If you find peace in prayer and worship, live in those.
If
you are VERY serious and you have $$$, you should look into electroshock
therapy. It is NOT like you see in old movies. Electroconvulsive therapy can
have BIG benefits, but it ain't cheap. Also look into something called Transcranial
direct current stimulation (tDCS). I have begun to experiment
with this on myself, and while the jury is still out, it looks promising so
far. Look it up and see what you think.
And
if you are chronically depressed, it might not be the best idea in the world to
keep a gun in the house. Over 20,000 Americans kill themselves with guns
annually. While other means of suicide do exist, let's be honest: cutting your
wrists hurts, a lot, and pills can be vomited up. Shooting one's self is all
too effective. Just something to think about.
8.
A Note to Friends and Family of
Depressives
Your
depressed friend or family member does not hate you. Depression is not
ordinary, garden variety having the blues. It is a psychological disorder. Those
who have it feel bad all the time, to the point where they can hurt physically.
It makes them tired and listless. It makes them morose and hard to be around.
May I suggest the following:
Don't
tell them to cheer up. They can't. They would if they could
Don't
be angry with them.
Don't
say, "Well, a lot of people are suffering horribly and you're not."
That just makes it worse.
Most
of all, don't let them push you away.
Remember that love is patient; your patience will be needed sorely. And if they
ask for help, be unstinting in giving it. You may be saving their lives. They
can get better and you can help. Believe me
Conclusion
You
do not have to suffer; you do not have to feel sad all the time; you do not always
have to be the way you are. Hope is not absurd or silly or pointless, the
refuge of weak or unrealistic people. It is a REAL THING THAT REALLY EXISTS. And no, asking for help does not
make you a coward or a weakling. It is, rather, a sign of courage and strength.
I'm not saying that your life will be all perfect and sunshine and rainbows
once you come out of the darkness. There will always be challenges, there will
always be problems.
But
you know what?
You
can handle them.
I'll
be here for you, if you'll be there for me.
And
you can count on that.
Pete Schroeder
